Snapshots of a Lifetime
by M. Pond
Summary: "The best romance is inside marriage; the finest love stories come after the wedding, not before." A collection of drabbles about Barney and Robin's married life.
1. A New Beginning

"_Story writers say that love is concerned only with young people, and the excitement and glamour of romance end at the altar. How blind they are. The best romance is inside marriage; the finest love stories come after the wedding, not before." _- Irving Stone

* * *

For two characters so opposed to marriage, I've always been interested in how Barney and Robin would actually be as husband and wife. And judging from the show's structure and future plans, that's something we'll never get to see. So when I saw the above quote, I knew that I had to use it to write something about their marriage.

To put it simply, this will be a collection of drabbles about various points within their marriage. Some will be a few hundred words and others will be a few thousand. They'll jump around in time – I'll always make sure to include a date – but all will exist within the same universe. There will be some light-hearted ones and others will be darker. It'll honestly be a case of writing whatever inspires me at any given time.

Since all of these chapters will act as standalone stories, I would love some prompts. If there's anything you'd like to see then let me know and I'll give it a shot.

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_"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."_ -Rita Rudner

* * *

**A New Beginning**

**May 2013**

The Farhampton ballroom is filled with music and laughter as guests catch up with distant relatives and meet those that they can now call family through some faint connection. The seating arrangement has long since been abandoned as guests swap seats or disappear onto the dance floor. Dinner has been eaten, the speeches have been given, and there's no longer a reason for everyone to be confined to the awkward conversations that seating plans usually force upon people. As guests dance and drink, there's a clear energy that only tends to occur when an open bar and romance are involved. And from the joyous atmosphere that fills the room, no one would guess how much of a disaster this day had been so far. However, the negativity has long been forgotten as the alcohol flows freely and the newly married couple dance together amongst the crowd.

From a distance they look like any other couple relishing the joy of being married. Though family and friends pass by, neither pays them much attention. They dance together, forsaking an intricate dance routine for an intimate moment. Barney presses his hands to Robin's hips while she loops her arms around him, allowing her to hold her new husband as closely as she can. Robin's forehead rests against his and they're so close to each other that their noses touch. They exist in their own private world, far away from the noise and movement that surrounds them. It's as if they are entirely unaware of anything that exists beyond the two of them. They sway on the spot, quietly relishing the reality of their relationship. To interrupt them would be to disturb a private and tender moment which is not always easily found during the hectic nature of one's wedding day. Though hectic would be something of an understatement for the day they have had.

On closer inspection, the clues about the unplanned elements of this day are obvious. When Robin kisses her husband's cheek, her choice to kiss the right side of his face rather than the left seems like nothing at all. However, for those who saw Barney crumple to floor after a killer right hook to the jaw that morning, it's a sign of her care to avoid the slowly forming bruise that mars her husband's face. Similarly, Barney's hand placement may seem like nothing at all but his left hand covers the scorch mark that acts as a blemish on the snow white material of his wife's dress. Both wear the traumas of their day, small signs of the fact that even this day, like so many others in their relationship, was not easy. Their relationship has been filled with more challenges than most, and perhaps it is a testament to the pair of them that they have yet to give up. Even with all that had gone wrong on what was supposed to their perfect day, they had stood together at the altar and pledged themselves to one another without a slither of doubt.

As the song draws to an end and the band switch to something more up-tempo, their bubble is burst as even more people crowd onto the floor. Robin blinks and looks around in surprise as if all these people have suddenly appeared from nowhere. It's Barney who takes control, taking his wife's hand to lead her off the floor. But they've barely moved at all before they're waylaid by Robin's aunt who has clearly been taking advantage of the open bar. She kisses them both solidly on the lips before declaring that they'll make beautiful babies. Seemingly unaware of their embarrassment, she embraces them and delves into a story about the summer that Robin spent with her on her farm in Manitoba. By the time she gets around to the afternoon she caught Robin and the sheep shearer in the barn, Robin is certain that she required at least three more glasses of champagne to face this conversation. Her husband's reaction is, unsurprisingly, the opposite of hers. His face is gleeful as he digs for more information, ecstatic to have found a new source for gossip on Robin's life in Canada. Already aware that she's married a man prepared to spend the rest of his life taunting her over her embarrassing past, she fobs her aunt off with some half-formed excuse and drags Barney off the floor.

"Don't," is all she says, grabbing herself a glass of champagne from a passing waiter.

Barney stands in front of her, rocking back and forth on his heels like an excited schoolboy. His mouth is clamped shut in an attempt to force back a grin but it's pointless because his eyes are sparkling and the corners of his mouth twitch as his grin fights to break free. He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks up at her, still desperately fighting the broad grin that she knows is lurking just under the surface.

Eventually she cracks. Taking a large swig of her champagne, she rolls her eyes and wearily says, "Go ahead."

His face lights up like a little boy on Christmas morning as he grins at her. He has the same look in his eyes that he did when he first saw her Let's Go to the Mall video and when the girl from the coffee shop had called her Roland.

"A sheep shearer? A _sheep shearer_? Come on, Robin! That's got to be the plot of some smutty Canadian romance novel." She rolls her eyes. "Did he have his way with you on a bale of hay? Did you seduce him with your plaid shirt and daisy dukes? Ooh ooh, were you overcome with lust at the sight of his muscular chest and throbbing member? I could do this all night!"

As Robin rolls her eyes for what feels like the millionth time, she sees her future clearly. Just because he can now call her his wife doesn't mean that Barney is going to cease taking any opportunity he can to annoy her. And ever since Canada jokes had lost their usefulness, the opportunities don't come along quite as often meaning that he enjoys them even more when they do appear. By saying 'I do' she has signed herself up for a lifetime of bracing herself for the moment when Barney discovers another embarrassing secret from her past. And that means that she always needs to be armed with a suitable distraction for such situations.

Disposing of her now empty glass onto the closest table, she gives her husband that smile that has been reserved for him alone ever since they got back together. He's halfway through forming some ill-conceived pun while gleefully clapping his hands when she interrupts him.

"I am sure you would be more than willing to take up the challenge of making every joke possible about my sexual exploits but I thought you would be more interested in the challenge right in front of you."

He stops clapping and gives her a look of interest. "Challenge?"

"I know we said we were going to avoid wedding clichés but surely sex at our wedding reception is one that we would excel at. And doesn't my dress turn it into something of a challenge for you?"

She gestures down at her tightly fitted wedding dress and watches as her husband quirks an eyebrow.

"Scherbatsky, I have had sex with not one but two women wearing catsuits…"

"Always a good thing to bring up on your wedding day," she interrupts.

"So if you think that dress is going to stop me consummating our marriage in the nearest bathroom then you are wrong." He grabs her hand. "Challenge accepted."

Any intention she may have had for a subtle exit is blown by Barney determinedly dragging her towards the door. She's about to tell him to slow down when he spins back, hooks an arm around her waist, and forces her to walk faster. Then he leans closer to her and whispers in her ear exactly what he intends to do to her in that bathroom. His breath is hot against her ear, and that combined with his filthy promises sends a shiver down her spine. And suddenly she doesn't care all that much if Lily's wink lets her know that she knows exactly what she's about to do. Her wedding came worryingly close to being a complete disaster about twenty times and god damn it if she doesn't deserve to sneak off to have sex with her husband in the nearest bathroom stall. They do say you should start your marriage as you mean to go on.


	2. Sleepless in Beijing

**A/N: **Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read, review, alert, and favourite this story. It's a wonderful feeling to see an email waiting for me to let me know that someone else likes this story.

Also, I should say that the updates on this story will be more sporadic than they were on my last one due to the standalone nature of each chapter. However, I sense I shall be updating a little faster once HIMYM is back.

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_"Two people, two hearts, two lives, become one heart, one mind, one new life together."_ -Unknown

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**Sleepless in Beijing**

**August 2013**

Beijing in August is humid, cramped and loud. The sounds of the streets below, from the honking car horns to the yells of the street vendors, rise up and drift through the open windows of the hotel above, riding along on the sweltering heat and greasy smells. It's as if the very atmosphere of Beijing is actively trying to invade every part of the city itself, whether it's wanted or not. Even attempts to shut it out, such as heavy curtains drawn across the windows and air conditioning blasting cool air through a hotel room, do not keep the city from finding a way to creep indoors. It drifts in on the occasional breeze and sneaks in through the slight gap in the curtains. And it leaves the hotel's occupants wrestling for the comfort required for sleep, the sleep that will offer a few hours of respite from the sweltering Chinese summer.

* * *

Robin must admit she finds it slightly amusing that sleep stays stubbornly out of her grasp even though she has spent the past eight years living in the city that never sleeps. Life in New York acts as a crash course in sleeping through police sirens, bar fights, and thousands of taxis hurtling from one end of the island to another. It is impossible to survive in New York without the ability to sleep through almost anything. However, that ability seems to have vanished now she finds herself trying to sleep in Beijing. The city is just as loud and hot and exhausting as New York in August. And yet falling asleep suddenly feels like something she cannot achieve.

She lies spread out across the bed, fingers clutching at the very edge of the mattress, and watches as the dark curtains flutter slightly at the breeze of the air conditioning. The hum of the machine is accompanied by the noise of the street below, meaning her room is far from quiet. Everything is loud but it's the sort of loud that would never normally bother her. Her first month in New York was spent in a cramped studio apartment that turned out to be on a street frequented by a number of hookers. And the drunken patrons of MacLaren's frequently acted as a backing track to late nights in Ted's apartment. It's become stranger for her to fall asleep somewhere lacking in the noises of a city than with them. Yet the past few days in Beijing have involved long nights of being disturbed by the noises that fill the city.

As she lies in bed counting sheep and wondering how bad it would be to mix aspirin with wine in the name of knocking herself out, she blames three factors for her lack of sleep: the heat, the noise, and the work. Since her plane landed five days ago, each day has been as if she is living in an oven. The neatly pressed blazers and smart cashmere jumpers remain in her suitcase, thrown aside in favour of cotton sundresses and shorts. It's hardly appropriate work attire but it's hard to care after she almost collapsed on her first day thanks to a combination of a hundred degree heat, an office with no air conditioning, and a fitted jumper and slacks.

Even the evenings don't offer a respite from the heat. The air is still muggy and her hotel room sweltering. The air conditioning does its best but it's a bother to wear even the flimsiest of pyjamas to bed. She frequently kicks the duvet to the floor in the hope of finally feeling the coolness that she craves, but it's yet to happen. Technically the heat is no wose than the peak of a New York summer but it feels ten times worse as it continues to relentlessly rise. And that combined with the noises of the city leaves her tossing and turning each night while sleep determinedly eludes her.

The final cause of her sleepless hell is, unfortunately, the thing that brings her to Beijing in her first place: her job. It's a last minute trip, only planned when they're suddenly offered an interview with a key figure at CommKing Enterprises whose CEO was arrested for tax fraud three days prior. It's a get, a big one, and Robin's slight exaggeration at her job interview about the two Chinese classes she took in college means she finds herself on a plane to Beijing with Saskia, the chatty new researcher. It's been five days of cancelled interviews, being stonewalled at every turn when trying to find out anything that can be of use for the story, and Saskia going through some form of relationship trouble that Robin has resolutely ignored. She's spent more time sat in humid taxis driving from office to office than she has actually doing her job, and she would rather be back at the news desk with Sandy right now than out here with Saskia.

The stress of facing going back to New York with nothing but dead ends and one mess of an interview thanks to a translator who definitely wasn't translating correctly would be enough to keep her from sleep. But combined with the suffocating heat and unrelenting noise, it's a wonder she hasn't jumped out of the nearest window yet. At least it would mean some peace and quiet at last.

A loud buzzing from her bedside table breaks through the monotonous hum of the air conditioning, and the darkened room is lit up by the display of her phone. She fumbles blindly for it, scattering a pile of papers onto the floor as she does so. And though the harsh glare of the screen causes her to wince in pain, she automatically smiles goofily at the photo that accompanies the name spread across the top of the display. It's a picture that Lily had sent them while they were away on their honeymoon, and Robin supposes that she must have sneakily taken it without them noticing. There's a whole album filled with wedding pictures but this one is her favourite. It's not posed like so many others. Instead, it acts as an intimate glance into one of the moments she remembers most from her wedding day. It's her and Barney dancing together, completely unaware of anything that's going on around them. They are stood so close together that their noses brush and their foreheads touch. As she looks at it she can clearly remember the way he had held her so tightly as they danced, and the way she had ended up burying her nose into his neck because his smell was so him and she couldn't get enough of it. It had been an emotionally draining few days in the build-up to their wedding, filled with doubts and second thoughts, but in that moment she had felt nothing but pure happiness.

Barney mocks her sometimes for using that picture – he had been a far bigger fan of the one before, which had been one of him looking particularly good in a tux – but she notices the way he smiles whenever he checks and sees that she has yet to change it so she finds herself reluctant to swap it for anything else.

There's an instant comfort that comes from hearing Barney's voice and she can't help but smile. Their conversation starts the same as it has done every time one of them has called the other in the past few days. She tells him that Beijing is fine, and he tells her that that's bullshit. When they had decided _them_ was worth a second try after they had made it through that crappy year where they had each thought they had lost the other to someone else forever, they had sworn to always be honest from then on. If hiding true feelings and not talking things through was what had broken them in the first place then it was the exact thing they had to avoid this time around. And though she may often find herself slipping back into the old habit of saying everything is fine when it isn't, Barney always seems to catch her out. It turns out that her husband has gotten pretty good at getting her to talk about topics she's trying to avoid.

The switch in their regular conversation occurs when she opens her mouth to unleash her usual rant about this week. She wants to tell him how frustrated she is with Saskia who doesn't seem to care about the job at all, and how she keeps on landing the same taxi driver who she can see staring at her breasts in the rear-view mirror even though he thinks she can't. She's ready to rant to him about the waiter who overcharged her for her lunch and then called her a liar when she complained and the receptionist who repeatedly argued that Mr Lin was out even though she could see him in his office. It's all on the tip of her tongue, the avalanche of frustrations and exhaustion that have plagued her since she arrived.

What comes out instead is none of those things.

"I can't sleep."

It's a silly thing to tell him and she regrets the words almost immediately. It's not as if there is anything Barney can do from over six thousand miles away. What she expects is for him to laugh or tell her to try a glass of scotch.

That's not what he says.

"I haven't been sleeping great either." His tone is quiet as if he's unsure that he should be saying this. "I can't…" he starts but then trails off, leaving nothing but silence on his end.

And suddenly it's as if they're standing on a precipice. This conversation is nothing, a mere moment in the story of their relationship, but it feels like everything. Because Robin knows exactly what Barney is going to say before he says it. She knows because it's the thought that she has been ignoring, forcing it deep down inside of herself and leaving her able to blame heat and work and life instead. It's the thought she hasn't wanted to acknowledge because of what it means. The next words out of his mouth are everything because they demonstrate the fact they have both been irrevocably changed by falling in love. They are not the people they were before they gave this another try, and they never will be again. Even if this were all to fall apart one day, if their love were to turn to hatred as it has done for so many couples who have come before, they will still never be who they were even a year ago. It's as if her love for Barney is now intricately wound within her very DNA, slowly shifting and changing it into something different and new. That change is barely noticeable most of the time. But there are moments, moments like this, where Robin suddenly realises just how much loving Barney has changed her, and how much loving her has changed him too.

The silence is broken by the rough sound of him clearing his throat and then he says what she already knows, "I can't fall asleep without you."

Those six words hang there, hovering between America and China, drenched in the meaning that accompanies them. It's not a statement; it's a confession. And Robin realises that her own words were the exact same. Both are confessions laced with more subtext than two small sentences should be allowed to have.

The truth is that her lack of sleep since arriving in China has nothing to do with the loud streets, a sweltering room or stressful work. Rather, the problem is that, without even realising it, she's fallen out of the habit of sleeping alone. It's stopped feeling normal to fall asleep without Barney beside her. It's become a part of her everyday life to go to bed and wake up with him. He's always there and over time that's simply become an accepted part of her life.

The signs had been there, from the way the hotel bed seemed too big to how strange it felt to wake up and not feel someone right beside her. But she had tucked those thoughts away deep within her, leaving them with all the other areas of her life she finds it easier to ignore. Acknowledging the change in her sleeping patterns would require her to acknowledge far more than that; it would require her to acknowledge that she is far more dependent on Barney than she would ever care to admit. And so she had ignored such thoughts and searched for other things to blame instead.

Robin's never needed people. She's always been fiercely independent because that's how you need to be to avoid getting hurt. She knows she isn't a particularly cold person but her belief has always been that it's easier to keep your distance than to risk getting hurt. It's why she look so long to say yes to Ted because she knew what she would lose if it didn't work out. And it was the same reason why Barney had to face her rejection time and time again. Needing people makes you vulnerable and being vulnerable gets you hurt.

Yet, now there's a man who she needs more than she would ever care to admit; a man who she can't even fall asleep without.

She can feel the anger flare up in her veins at the dependency she feels towards Barney. This is never what she asked for or wanted. She's not the girl who needs a man, and she's certainly not the girl who can't even fall asleep alone. But then Barney says something that makes her stop.

"It's why I've been calling you during your lunch hour the past couple of days. I know I'm going to sound painfully like Ted when I say this but if I talk to you then then it means your voice is the last thing I hear before I go to sleep. It's lame but it's helped."

And just like that the anger vanishes as quickly as it came. This is what marriage is. It's you needing someone more than you've ever needed someone before. It's you giving your heart to someone who has the capacity to hurt you more than anyone else in the world. It's you trusting that they never will. Robin's life may not be entirely her own anymore, but nor is Barney's still exclusively his. She may travel to foreign countries on a moment's notice but it's not going to be how it was before Barney put a ring on her finger and she vowed to love him until death do us part. Now, she's going to do it all with a yearning for home and the knowledge that a part of her heart is waiting for her back in New York. And Barney is going to wait for her to come home knowing that there will be a part of his life missing until she's back. Without even realising it, their lives have become inextricably tied together. Somehow, Barney Stinson has gone from being her sleazy friend to the guy she can't fall asleep without. And the fact that he needs her as much as she needs him means she's surprisingly okay with that.

She knows that if she was married to Ted and he'd just revealed that he couldn't sleep without her then he would want some deep and meaningful conversation about what this signifies in terms of the strength of their relationship. But this isn't Ted and she's not required to try and be the wife who wants to talk about feelings for the next hour.

So she curls onto her side, presses the phone to her ear and instead says, "Tell me about your day."

The abrupt change of topic seems to throw Barney for a moment. "You don't want to hear about my day. It was just a bunch of meetings with the rest of the board."

"I do. Talk to me until I fall asleep."

I can't sleep without you either. I miss you. I need you. I love you. She doesn't say any of those things but they are threaded through the words she does say. And she knows he hears them because she can hear the smile in his voice when he says, "Sure thing, Scherbatsky."

If she closes her eyes and ignores the slight pressure of the phone against her ear then she can pretend she is back in their apartment in New York listening to Barney complain about incompetent interns and pointless meetings. She can hear him moving about his office, most likely prepping for his next meeting, but she visualises him walking around their bedroom, swapping his suit for a t-shirt and boxers – the one thing she would thank Quinn for is getting rid of that stupid pyjama suit and nightshirt – and finding the papers he needs for work tomorrow.

The occasional murmur of agreement are all that's needed on her end as Barney happily keeps the conversation going. She has no real clue who Sandhurst is or why the Schiff merger is so crucial but she doesn't care. The warm familiar rumble of his laugh in her ear as he remembers what happened at the morning meeting and the rise and fall of his voice as he jumps from one topic to the next are all that she needs to hear.

As her head sinks deeper into the pillows and Barney's voice gets softer when her responses start to lessen , the world around her doesn't seem so bothersome anymore. She barely notices the sweltering heat seeping into the room along with the greasy smell of fried dumplings. The partying revellers and their shouts from the street below are nothing but background noise, just like the excitable guests who trundle past her room. For the first night since arriving in Beijing, Robin falls asleep without bother and doesn't wake until long after the sun has risen.

* * *

That becomes their routine. For the rest of her trip, Robin eats her lunch away from Saskia and Mike. She steals a corner table in a busy restaurant and eats her noodles while talking to Barney about everything from work to the NHL. He starts off chatty but his responses slowly turn into mere murmurs of agreement and then nothing at all. And when she hears his breathing slow and turn heavy, she hangs up the phone and wishes she was in bed beside him. The routine is repeated with roles reversed come night time in China, and she falls asleep listening to him talk about mergers and what happened at the bar the night before.

When she returns to her life in New York, no mention is made of the phone calls by either of them. And when Barney goes on a business trip to Belgium – at least that's where he says he's going but Robin saw the Korean phrasebook in his carry-on and he isn't as good a liar as he thinks – she assumes that their phone call arrangement was a one-time thing. But then her phone rings when she's getting into bed, and she falls asleep listening to stories about the terrified junior assistant and the meeting Barney had with a man who was absolutely and definitely not Kim Jong-un.

They never mention the calls to their friends - the mushy stuff is for the other couples in their group, not them - but they both find themselves picking up the phone when one of them is away and the bed feels a little too empty. They never mention it beyond that first phone call but it becomes an unacknowledged habit, their first as husband and wife. No matter the time difference, they talk about everything and nothing until one of them hears that familiar slow breathing on the other end of the line.

And that's how it goes for the first few years of their marriage, disjointed conversations at peculiar times while Barney is half-asleep, which are then continued hours later when Robin's voice is heavy with sleep. It's their own private routine. That is until they realise there's another solution to their problem. But that's a whole other story.


	3. All I Need

**A/N: **I really didn't intend to go this long without updating but I blinked and six weeks had passed since my last drabble. Blame work, graduate applications, too much good TV, and my futile attempts to write a one-shot about Mark and Derek off Grey's Anatomy.

* * *

_"Imagine waking up every morning to that smile? And that little half-laugh, half-snort she does when you say something stupid? What I'm trying to say is that Robin is a fantastic pole vaulter._" -Barney Stinson

* * *

**All I Need**

**During their first years of marriage**

Barney Stinson hasn't done all that much right in his life. He's spent his adult life working for corporations who have contributed little - if any - good to the world, and that's something he's never made apologies for. He accepts the generous salary and even more generous bonuses with barely a thought about the corrupt and sordid aspects of his job. He's slept with an obscene number of women and almost all of them were under false pretences. There are hoards of women not just in Manhattan but up and down the east coast, and even a few on other continents, who have fallen for the Barney Stinson spiel over the years. And he's never felt particularly bad about or sorry for the scams and tricks he pulled in the name of getting them into bed. And he's not even been an amazing friend or brother either. Sure he's officiated weddings while shedding a few tears and flown across the country to point out people's mistakes but the good moments are generally outweighed by the bad. He's not stupid. He's a selfish person who puts the people he loves through a lot of crap most of the time.

But he must have done something right. Maybe it was during his vegetarian, hippy days when he gave out high twos and thought his life should be spent in the Peace Corps. Or perhaps he was some sort of saint in a past life who saved children from burning buildings and donated all his earnings to charity. All he knows is that he racked up a hell of a lot of points with the big man upstairs at some point. It's the only way to explain the fact that, even with all the shitty things he's done over the years, he's the guy who is lucky enough to wake up every morning to Robin Scherbatsky and that beautiful smile.

* * *

She's the early riser in their marriage, at least in the beginning. It's not uncommon for him to wake up to the sounds of her clattering about in the kitchen as she fights with his coffee machine, which she is convinced has a vendetta against her, or for the glare of her laptop screen to almost blind him as she grumbles to herself about the news that has broken overnight. And there are some mornings where the only traces of her are the scent of her flowery conditioner on the pillow and a note telling him she's gone for breakfast with Lily or out for a run. But whether it's as he stumbles bleary-eyed into the kitchen in search of coffee, as he tugs a pillow over his head in protest at the light, or as he pulls her back into bed when she returns from her outing, she always gives him that wonderful smile that he likes to think of as the smile that is solely for him. It's the smile that makes him thank his lucky stars for whatever it was he did that made Robin want to be with him.

He fights her early riser nature though. The notion that Sunday mornings were made for doing nothing proves to be excellent ammunition. Barney declares it a sacrilege to get out of bed before noon for anything besides coffee, pastries, and the paper. He learns quickly that Robin saying she's going to pop to the bakery around the corner for croissants and danishes will turn into her getting waylaid by a million and one people on the way back. Apparently she's managed to charm every tenant in their building even though they've only been living there three months. So he buys croissants at the grocery store on a Saturday instead, and though they may not be as good as the real thing, he'll take an extra hour in bed with his wife over Marcel's melt in the mouth pastries. And it turns out that tempting Robin with sex is the perfect way to distract her from thoughts of things like brunch or an early morning jog. She still wakes up first, eager to put a day free from work to use. But if he holds her tight enough and sucks on that spot just below her ear that is surprisingly sensitive then it's enough for her to give him that winning smile and forget about activities that take them outside of the bedroom. And afterwards they sit in bed together, swapping sections of the New York Times and splitting a croissant between them. It's a domestic scene, the pair of them sipping coffee and discussing the merits of the latest bailout plans, and one that would have disgusted him just a few years ago. Now though he relishes it. For the longest time it was something he thought would never happen, lazy Sunday mornings in bed with Robin. It wasn't a part of his future. So he cherishes the fact that it's now his reality, and he always works to find the most cheesy story in the wedding announcements so he'll earn that little half-laugh, half-snort from her that he loves so much.

Winter proves to be his other great ally. Though Robin roundly mocks her friends for their heavy coats and thick scarves as she sits there in a cotton t-shirt, she could rival them and their grumblings when it comes to the bitterly cold winter mornings. Apparently Robin's resilience against what she calls a spring morning in Ontario only comes after a hot shower and a mug or two of coffee. Before that, she clings to their bed like a child on the day of a dreaded maths exam. Barney routinely wakes up to her buried underneath the covers and grumbling over having to go to work. Every morning she poaches more and more of the blankets, and it takes her longer and longer to leave the warm cocoon of the bed. If she could then she would find a way to report the news in her pyjamas. Eventually they reach the point where, at some point during the night, Robin latches onto the nearest heat source - him. So, by early December, it becomes normality to wake up to her legs tangled with his and her head resting on his shoulder. And apparently the comfort he offers her as her own personal pillow and heater is enough to overcome her need to be up before the alarm. That means he gets to start his day watching as his wife slowly wakes up and gives him that soft smile before grumbling about the cold. And though she usually decides that a quickie is the only thing that will motivate her enough to get out of bed and go to work - a need he has no problem satisfying - that smile alone is enough to make him feel pretty damn good about himself for the rest of the day.

Of course, winter always comes to an end eventually and Robin goes back to waking up before the alarm. He tries his best to get her to sleep in but her incessant need to start the day overpowers his pleas. She does give him Sunday though. On Sundays she does her best to sleep late, and he pretends he doesn't feel her fidgeting about as she waits for him to wake up. And that beautiful smile is always there on her face when he finally opens his eyes. The rest of the time though he wakes up to the sight of her scouting the bedroom floor for her missing shoe or in the middle of reading through the notes for that night's broadcast. But the moment she notices he is awake, no matter what she's doing, she always shoots him the smile that makes him feel like the luckiest guy on earth. He's not even sure that she knows that she does it, but every morning she does and every morning he remembers how close he came to missing out on this being his life. There were a million tiny moments that could have gone differently and would have left them both in another life where some other guy would have gotten to wake up to that smile every morning. So Barney thanks every deity and saint that he did something right at some point that was brilliant enough to outweigh all the selfish crap he's pulled. Because that's the only explanation he can come up with for how he got to be so damn lucky.


	4. What Once Was

**A/N: **It turns out that all it takes for me to finally be inspired to write again is a romantic proposal in the snow. That plus the season nine renewal news meant I had to write something today. And with the promise of upcoming episodes filled with B/R goodness, it shouldn't be two and a half months before I update again.

The drabble that I was originally going to write next was a lot darker than this one. But it's Christmas and angst and sadness have no place in the holiday season. So you've got this one instead. Expect the sadness and tragedy to come in 2013.

Also, this is the first time the mother appears in this fic. I debated over who she should be - in the original draft of this she was Barney's half-sister - but eventually I settled on Sarah, a character of my own creation. Ultimately this is a story about Barney and Robin so the mother is never going to particularly central. However, I thought I should at least mention it since she is introduced in this drabble.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

* * *

_"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat."_ -Joanne Woodward

* * *

**What Once Was**

**December 2013**

The snow appears suddenly, turning the city into a winter wonderland almost without warning. It falls from the sky and turns the drab city sidewalks into glistening white landscapes virtually instantaneously. As afternoon turns into evening with the speed that is only possible this late into the year, the army of New York's office workers emerge onto the busy streets to find their world changed. They tighten their coats around themselves, tug on scarves and gloves, and brace themselves for the battle towards home. The competition for taxis is fiercer than ever thanks to the need to escape the bracing cold. New York in the winter may be a beautiful sight but it's one that is really best viewed through a large window while taking advantage of some luxuriously warm heating.

Barney puts his superiority to use and forces an intern to give him his taxi. Anyone still wearing a coat that they've clearly owned since their first year of college and a suit that can't have cost more than twenty dollars doesn't deserve a quick escape from the cold weather. The driver greets him with an overly cheery 'Merry Christmas' before taking the address for MacLaren's and pulling out into the New York traffic.

Christmas time traffic appears to be at an all-time high, and the taxi practically crawls up seventh as it starts on the familiar route towards the bar. Unfortunately for Barney, his driver is exceptionally chatty and repeatedly tries to engage him in conversation about his plans for the holidays. Even as Barney only gives the most minimal of murmurs in response, the driver happily keeps on talking. He's moved on to complaining about the fact that his sister is spending Christmas with her ex-husband in Seattle rather than coming to New York when Barney finally tugs his Blackberry from his pocket and turns his attention away. They're in the midst of negotiations with a conglomerate in China and they sway between going exceedingly well and being a borderline disaster. By the time the taxi pulls up outside the bar, there's a chance he may have started a war with China if he's mistranslated one or two words in an e-mail. But that's not even the third worst thing he might have done at work this week so he shoves his phone back in his pocket and hands the driver the fare. And it sounds like he's going to have a really shitty Christmas so he gives him an extra twenty and slips out of the cab before the guy can reward him with another aspect of his Christmas plans.

The snow is even heavier than before, turning the street with its brownstones and bare trees into something akin to a scene from a postcard. The congestion of midtown has disappeared up here meaning the snow is settling rather than automatically turning into grey slush under commuters' feet. Even the footsteps that Barney leaves in his wake as he crosses the street vanish almost instantaneously. Occasional snowflakes manage to slip down his collar, causing him to shiver as they melt on his skin, and he tugs his coat as tightly closed as he possibly can. There's a clear trail of footprints on the snow-covered steps leading down to the bar, and those, along with the noise drifting through the open window, suggest that the level of demand facing Carl and co tonight is higher than normal.

This intuition is proven right when Barney enters MacLaren's to find it almost at capacity. He can barely make out the actual bar from his position thanks to the masses of people stood between him and it. It would appear that every table is full, and late-arriving customers have had to settle for simply standing for the duration of the night. He spots a few regulars intermingled amongst the crowds but the majority of customers appear to be office workers enjoying their first night of holiday freedom. Attempting to navigate his way through the mass of customers, he passes the usual stereotypes like the interns trying to use drink to deal with the fact that they're no longer in college and that adult life is nothing like they expected, and the overworked middle manager grumbling over how unappreciated he is. There's also the usual parade of skimpily dressed twenty-somethings scouting the crowd in the hope that someone will approach them. Unlike a couple of years ago though, they barely register on his radar. Instead he merely waves at Carl and slips past a crowd of guys who are already drunk to reach the booth.

Somewhere over the past year or so, tiny new elements have been added to their routine at the bar. They're barely noticeable to anyone outside of the group but they mark the way their dynamic has shifted over the past two years. Marshall and Lily drink less than before, stretching out one beer to last the length of time that it takes the others to drink two or three. And they leave earlier as well, guilt causing them to hurry to relieve the babysitter of her duties. But for now they're stationed at the booth, laughing at some story of Ted's. Barney grins at them before quirking his head at a couple sat at a nearby table. They push the empty chair towards him and he swings it in his hand, plonking it down next to the one already stationed at their booth. But rather than sitting there himself, Ted slides out of his seat next to Robin and moves onto the chair. To begin with, when Sarah had first joined them at the bar, they had added the extra chair to the other side of the booth. That had lasted only one night. With Ted constantly reaching across the table to hold her hand or kiss her, the group had quickly snapped and moved the chair to the other side. The shift from five members of the group to six had been almost seamless, and it had soon started to feel like that extra chair had always been at the booth.

Barney kisses Robin on the cheek as he slides into the newly vacated seat beside her. Her scotch is easily within his reach and he steals it away before she can stop him. The futile attempt to grab it back is rewarded with nothing but a satisfied grin as he downs what's left of her drink. Ted is too wrapped up in Sarah to pay Barney and Robin any attention, but Marshall and Lily exchange knowing grins as they watch them. They're not like Marshall and Lily with their nicknames and more ostentatious displays of affection. Instead, the way they act around each other is intimate and private, small touches here and the occasional kiss there. She rolls her eyes as he finishes her scotch, and he bumps his hip against hers with a low laugh. Her voice is quiet as she tells him that he's a selfish bastard and his response is to kiss her lightly, stroking her cheek with his thumb. He reminds her that being married means that what's hers is his which causes her to laugh and swat his arm.

Eventually Lily interrupts them, dragging them out of their little bubble, reminding Robin that they're supposed to go Christmas shopping tomorrow, and Barney takes the opportunity to battle his way to the bar for another drink.

The bar is swamped with customers fighting to get Carl's attention, and he finds himself squashed between an overweight guy who is sweating far too much and a shrill woman who keeps yelling for a glass of Pinot Grigio. Thankfully, her constant shrillness brings Carl over for just long enough to give her a drink and get her to leave before Barney loses his hearing. It doesn't take much for him to be able to quickly grab Carl's attention before he disappears back to the other side of the bar, and he takes his order of another round plus his usual with a nod. It's met with groans around him from those who have been waiting longer and don't have the advantage of having been a customer for over a decade, but Barney simply shrugs at them and turns his attention back to his Blackberry.

There's an email from James finalising plans for Boxing Day at their mum's, and he's just starting to reply when he hears someone next to him say, "Barney?"

Rather than the shrieking woman who had previously been stood next to him, there's now a young woman with wild blonde curls and pouty lips stood in her place. There's a crinkle in her brow as if she is unsure whether he is who she thinks he is, and at the exact moment that he finally places her – her name is something that begins with a j - her frown deepens as her suspicions are confirmed. And this time when she says his name, there's far more anger in her tone than before.

The reason he recognises her is all thanks to a night three years ago when he had decided to try out a new play. It was one that had caused Lily to ban him from the booth for the rest of the night out of disgust when he had brought it up. Of course, when it had been successful and he'd landed the girl standing next to him, Lily's issues with his play had gone right out of his head.

It had been a surprisingly simple play that required little more from him than his finest bumbling Ted impression and a cheap ring that he'd picked up at a crappy pawn shop on eighth. After his best sad eyes and a few comments about how he hadn't tried to chat a girl up in a long time, the girl who was now stood next to him had invited him to join her. He'd acted interested in her stories about trying to break into the modelling business and her crappy job at a restaurant downtown. And by the time she told him about her cheating ex and how she hadn't had sex in six months because she just couldn't trust any guys right now, he knew he had hit the jackpot. That was when he had proceeded to spin an intricate story about his wife, Anna, who he'd been his high school sweetheart and who had tragically died in a car crash almost a year ago. His seemingly real tears over how his friends were telling him that it was time to get back out there even though he had no idea how the dating game worked were enough for her to invite him back to hers for a nightcap. The clincher had been when he had twisted his wedding ring around his finger and said that tonight with her was the first time he'd felt truly happy since he'd lost his wife. She hadn't been able to drag him into her bedroom fast enough after that.

His comment about how girls who hadn't got laid in months were even more eager than most to please in bed had caused Lily to exile him from the booth for another night.

The problem had come when he'd been trying to sneak out and her flatmate had caught him. This would have been fine if he hadn't slept with her and sneaked out a couple of years before. That sort of screwed up his play, especially since he had got her flatmate with a story about having just returned from the Peace Corps after three years. Scrambling out of their apartment half-dressed while they threw whatever was close at hand at his head had not been not his finest hour.

And judging from her face, Joanie – Jane? Josie? – is still pretty mad. There really should be a rule that people he lied to in the name of having sex with them are not allowed to ever approach him again.

"Hey, Jodie?" he says slowly, drawing out her name in the vain hope that the right name will jump into his head before he finishes.

"Julie." Her glare intensifies and her hands rest on her hips. "I wasn't expecting to see you here." She pauses. "Asshole."

He glances desperately over his shoulder but Carl is still in the middle of putting his order together. And then Julie says "oh my god," and he knows everything is about to get even worse. When he turns to look at her again, she's no longer looking at his face with that hateful glare. Instead, her gaze is firmly fixed on his hands.

This cannot be good.

"You're tricking another girl with the same lie?" she asks incredulously, gesturing at the wedding ring he's wearing on his left hand. "In the same bar?"

"What? No, this isn't what you think."

She ignores him. "What kind of bastard makes up a sick lie like that just to sleep with somebody? And then keeps on doing it? What the hell is wrong with you?"

And of course that's the exact moment that Carl chooses to return with his drinks. His attempt to explain that he isn't actually here scamming another girl falls on deaf ears. Instead, she ignores his protests, grabs Sarah's rum and coke, and throws it in his face. He jumps as the sticky liquid and ice coat his face, and he wildly grabs for napkins to wipe it away before it can spread any further. Julie storms off without another word, leaving him stood at the bar as the drink slowly drips onto his custom made Italian leather shoes.

"You're gonna have to pay for that," Carl says in a deadpan voice even though there's a huge smirk on his face.

Barney shoves the money at him before carrying the drinks back to the booth, ignoring the snickers that follow him. He's greeted at the booth by all of his friends staring up at him with barely concealed grins. Their attempts to hold back their laughter are pathetic and he drops the tray of drinks onto the table with a bang before staring at them all.

"Go ahead. I know you want to."

The laughter that fills the booth echoes throughout the bar as the five of them crack up at Barney's humiliation. He slips back into his seat and glares at them all as they continue to laugh.

Lily manages to stop laughing just long enough to asks, "A friend of yours?" before bursting into laughter again.

"I don't want to talk about it," he grumbles but that only makes everyone laugh even more.

He drops his head onto Robin's shoulder with a groan. Her laughter is just loud as everyone else's, which he thinks is pretty unfair since surely his wife should be coming to his defence at the very least. Instead, she snorts loudly when Ted asks him just how often incidents like that happen to him.

"Probably at least three times a week," she says, jabbing him with her elbow.

However, as the group continue to exchange jabs and jokes over Barney's manwhoring ways coming back to haunt him, and Robin happily chimes in with her own comments, she reaches under the table and takes his hand in hers. Each time a joke seems a little too mean, she laughs a little less and gently squeezes his hand. And when he finally starts to see the funny side to his humiliation and tells them how Julie thought he was playing another girl, which causes Robin to lean against him for support as laughter shakes her whole body, he can't stop the feeling of thankfulness that overwhelms him at the fact that the ring on his left hand has nothing to do with him trying to trick another girl into bed and everything to do with his love for the amazing woman sat next to him.


	5. Ups and Downs: Part I

**A/N:** I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated. As someone who was disappointed week after week by the path the second half of season eight took, I just couldn't summon the inspiration to write something about these two. I hate the way they've been written and I don't recognise the characters that are on my screen anymore. I have no excitement for the final season and that makes me sad because I love this show or at least what it was.

I wanted to write something fluffy and cute. This is not that. This is angry and bitter. It's me trying to understand the Barney the show presented us with in season eight and how I'm supposed to believe him and Robin could possibly have a successful marriage. It's not for everyone and I expect some people to take issue with what I've written. But I'll be honest up front and say two things about how I saw our favourite characters this season. The Barney we saw post-engagement was an asshole who did a lot of sexist crap and rarely seemed to care about Robin. And I barely recognised Robin. The woman who didn't call Barney out on his shit and rambled to Ted about signs is not the Robin I've watched for eight seasons. I have no idea what the show was aiming for with them but it didn't work for me. This drabble is my attempt to tackle that.

It is the first part of a two-shot. I hope to have the second one up soon. So the end of this drabble is not the end of this story in their lives.

I hope you like it. If you don't, I promise I'll write something fluffier soon. And I couldn't resist the quick cameo of a character from a certain movie that starts filming on Monday. Blame my ridiculous excitement for it and his demand that I include him.

* * *

_"I remember one desolate Sunday night, wondering: Is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? Married to someone who is perpetually distracted and somewhat wistful, as though a marvellous party is going on in the next room, which but for me he could be attending."_ –Suzanne Finnamore.

* * *

**Ups and Downs : Part I**

**February 2017**

Manning a morning talk show that airs at a time when people actually want to be awake and watching the news isn't quite the way Robin envisioned her career going but she finds that she enjoys it far more than she expected to. She supposes not much in her life has turned out the way she planned. Whether that's a good thing or not she doesn't know.

One thing she doesn't expect is the sudden wake-up call that occurs between the discussion on changes to the educational bill and the cookery segment. The author of the latest New York Times number one bestseller, Logan Echolls, is on to promote his novel and Robin really wishes she had bothered to read the actual book and not simply a summary handed to her by a runner. But he's more enthralled by the conversation he's having on the phone than asking for her opinions on his book, something which seems to annoy his assistant no end as she tries to tear the phone away from him. That doesn't bother Robin. There's something horribly awkward about making small talk with a guest as they wait for the commercial break to come to the end. Instead, she sits back quietly and lets the make-up girl touch up her lipstick.

But she does find herself bothered by the way Logan lights up at whatever the person on the other end of the call is saying. His eyes twinkle and he laughs brightly. It's as if no one in the world exists but the person he's talking to. It's been a long time since someone looked at her like that.

"I have to go charm the wonderful people of America now, Ronnie," he says. "Don't miss me too much."

There's a warmth and familiarity in his tone. It screams of comfort and intimacy and that special thing where you feel like you're two people united against the world. And there's a smile on his face that's like a punch in the gut because Robin knows that smile. It's the smile of a man who knows he's found the One and will do anything to earn and keep her love. It's the smile that Barney wore the night he was down on one knee with a diamond ring. He looked at her like she hung the moon and the stars when she said yes. It had made her feel like the most amazing woman in the world. She can't remember the last time her husband smiled like that.

That's when she realises that she has a problem.

* * *

Her marriage is in trouble.

It isn't something she likes to acknowledge and she's allowed herself to remain in denial for as long as possible. Denial is bliss. It's so much easier to ignore the growing distance and all the things that have gone unsaid rather than facing up to them and recognising how much work there is to be done.

As the cab takes her back uptown towards their apartment, she allows her mind to roam back over all the fights she has simply avoided having because it's easier to skirt around the confrontation rather than telling Barney exactly how she feels. She's never been one to shy away from a fight or at least that's what she has always believed. But she realises that at some point she became the kind of woman who simply stays silent rather than speaking out; the kind of woman who will take the easier option if it means avoiding confrontation.

She stares out of the window and questions exactly how long she's allowed herself to be weak for. As they pass the Met, she watches tourists climbing the steps in the summer sun, and she forces herself to acknowledge that it's been happening for far longer than she's proud of. Maybe it goes right back to their engagement when she had simply brushed off his leering comments and inappropriate behaviour as if they were nothing because she was so terrified that forcing Barney to change would pull them apart again. Their relationship felt so fragile and she hadn't wanted to push in case she found herself left with nothing but the shattered remains of what might have been. She's been so weak for so long and she hates herself for it.

It's the exact way her mother behaved and that makes her hate herself even more.

When you're surrounded by seemingly perfect marriages like the ones her friends have, it's easier to simply pretend that yours is perfect too. She can't bring up how much she hates how late Barney stays out sometimes when she's got to listen to Lily going on about how Marshall brought her flowers yesterday. And how can she bring up Barney's wandering eye when Ted is sat there looking at Sarah like she's the only woman in the world?

Her marriage is in trouble and now she's a little scared to assess just how much damage has been done because she stayed quiet for so long.

There's a buzzing sound from the seat next to her in the back of the cab. It's her phone. A text from Barney flashes up on the screen and she sighs as she reads that some of the guys are doing out for drinks after work and he'll be home late. He tells her she shouldn't bother to wait up and she feels her temper start to rise.

She's done keeping quiet.

* * *

It starts with a fight. Or maybe it ends with a fight. She really isn't sure.

She sits on the sofa and waits for him to come home. The glass of scotch is heavy in her hand as the minutes tick by and she's close to giving up and going to bed, to simply be weak again because she's exhausted and any fight she has is going to be even more exhausting. But then Seth Meyers is in the middle on his opening monologue when she hears him in the hall. His keys jangle in his hand and she hears the scratches of them against the wood as he misses the lock again and again. Eventually he manages to unlock the door and he stumbles in bleary-eyed and tie askew, reeking of alcohol and cigarette smoke. He spots her sitting on the sofa and the look he shoots her is completely unapologetic.

This is going to be a bad one.

It's not as if she's some nagging housewife who wants to deprive her husband of having any fun. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be like though. That much she does know.

Barney and her have always prided themselves on not being like other couples. The two point four children, the minivan, the white picket fence: none of that is a part of their future. They knew that before they even walked down the aisle. They have zero interest in that sort of life and neither of them have ever wanted their marriage to end up like that. It sounds tedious and awful. Instead, they have always aimed to create a marriage that works for them, bending the rules as necessary. And that's worked in so many different ways that it's been easy to ignore the ways it hasn't worked.

It's as if there are two different Barney Stinsons and she never knows which one she is going to find at any given moment. There's the Barney that she loves with all her heart and can't imagine her life without. That's the Barney who put his heart on his line only to have it be crushed and still didn't give up on the idea of them. That's the Barney who confesses his love on rooftops and calls in sick to work to keep her company when she is genuinely ill and calls her every night when she's working abroad. He's this amazing, sweet guy who she is thankful for every day. But then there's the other Barney, the one she knew long before she discovered his other side. He's crass and makes inappropriate comments and treats women in a way that honestly disgusts her. Sometimes she doesn't mind it because he says things that make her laugh and she remembers how much she used to be amused by his dating antics. But it's different now. She had assumed he would outgrow it once they got engaged. Then he didn't. And looking back now, she knows that's when she started ignoring their problems. It was so much easier to tell Barney that she loved him just as he was rather than trying to make him change and having it all fall apart. Except now she's too far in and she's tired of her husband flitting between these two personas. They go to the bar and she doesn't know if she's in for a night of him giving her his sole attention or him eyeing the cute blonde at the bar.

She doesn't think he'd cheat on her. That's one belief that has never been shaken. She knows with absolute certainty that the most he has done is ogle a few strippers. She would cut off his balls in an instant if he even tried to fuck somebody else and she knows he knows that. But the problem is that Barney thinks that that is enough. It's as if him not screwing some other woman and making a mockery of their wedding vows in the process is all it takes to be a good husband. It isn't.

She's so very tired of him talking and acting in a way that makes her wonder why they even got married in the first place and she can't take it anymore.

"Where the hell have you been? It's after midnight and you come home like this. Are you kidding me?"

"Wow, did you watch some fifties sitcom to nail the bitter wife voice? Because you've got it down to a t."

"Don't talk to me like that."

"Robin, I am going to be hungover as fuck tomorrow. I need to go to sleep." He kicks off his shoes, not bothering to see where they land, and heads towards the bedroom. "Can we do this tomorrow?"

"No."

Whatever he hears in her tone, it's enough to make him stop in his tracks.

"I am not doing this tomorrow. We're talking now."

"Fine." He turns back to face her and tosses himself down onto the sofa next to her. "What is it? I told you I was going out."

"Yes, you did. Thanks for the heads up. It's great to know you're going out for the third night in a row. I really love knowing I'm going to have to deal with you coming home drunk."

"You don't have to deal with me. I'm a grown adult," he says and she hates that even when his speech is slurred, he's still capable of making every word sound cruel and bitter.

"You're not acting like one."

"What is your problem?"

She clenches her hands so tightly that her nails dig into her palms as she forces herself not to scream at him but she can't stop herself from raising her voice as she says, "You! You are my problem. I can't do this anymore!"

"Can't do what?"

"This." She gestures between them and the look of confusion only angers her even more. "You and me. The way you behave, the way you treat me and our marriage. I can't do it anymore."

"What is it I'm doing that is so terrible? Are you seriously pissed I went out for a drink?"

"No, I'm not pissed you went out for a drink. I'm pissed you went out and got wasted for the millionth time. I'm pissed you probably spent tonight flirting with some co-ed as if I'm not waiting for you at home. I'm pissed you act like our marriage doesn't matter to you."

"Don't you dare say I don't care about this marriage!" he yells and he's up off the couch before she can blink. "I love you and the fact you could question that is bullshit!"

"Is it? Is it really? You act like I don't matter and like this marriage doesn't matter and you always have."

"You're fucking lying!"

"No I'm not! From the moment we told our friends we were getting married, you've been on some one-man crusade to prove that marriage doesn't mean you have to give up being some gross playboy. And I stayed quiet about it because that was easier than realising how much I hate part of who you are."

"You think I love everything about you? You think I don't hate how quick you are to judge me? That I don't hate these crazy unrealistic expectations you have of people? I spent our entire fucking engagement trying to live up to some impossible standard that you set and then days before our wedding you break down to Ted of all people because I'm still not good enough in your eyes! I've never been good enough for you!"

They're standing in front of each other now and her rage and his drunkness has forced open the Pandora's Box of secrets that they've kept buried throughout their entire marriage. And it dawns on her that this will either make them or break them.

"You know that's not true! I love you!"

"Do you? Or do you just love the perfect version of me you constantly want to wake up next to? And your problem is that you've finally realised that person doesn't exist and you don't really like the person you're actually married to all that much."

"I don't expect you to be perfect!" she shouts, ignoring his final statement. "But I don't have to love everything about you. And in this moment, I really really don't. Do you know how much it hurts when we're at the bar and you're going on and on about some girl as if I'm not sat right next to you? You talk about women in ways that disgust me – and they'd disgust me even if we weren't married – and act as if it's fine because you're married and aren't going to act on it."

"Are you saying I'm never allowed to look at another woman?"

"I'm saying that I'm tired of having to hear you talk about woman after woman as if being married to me is some burden that keeps you from having a good time! You claim I'm the love of your life but it doesn't often feel like that."

"I love you. How can you possibly doubt that?"

The laugh that escapes her is horribly bitter. "Do you really think you've given me reason not to? Every time you show me how much you love me, you do something to disprove it almost immediately afterwards."

"Are you joking? When have I ever done anything like that?"

"The playbook!" she screams and she's embarrassed to feel the sting of tears in her eyes as she remembers the night she walked into Ted's apartment to find that damn book decidedly burn-free.

"This? Again? That was years ago!"

"You wanted an example and I'm giving you one! When you proposed, you told me you burned that book because you didn't need it anymore. Do you have any idea how much that meant to me? You gave up something that was so intrinsic to the old you because you didn't want to be that person anymore. You wanted a life with me and that meant changing and you loved me enough to do that. You showed me that you felt I was worth giving up your old life for. And then I found out that you kept the fucking thing! It was an empty gesture! Do you think that made me feel like you loved me and wanted to be with me? No! It made me feel like you were still the same old Barney and that you were simply playing me."

"You told me that you understood and that you loved me exactly as I was and didn't want me to change! Was that all bullshit?" He storms into the kitchen and makes a big show of slamming the cupboards as he pours himself a glass of water.

"No. That wasn't bullshit. That was me being an idiot." She sees the anger flare in his eyes but she can't stop. She's been keeping this down for so long and she can't do it anymore. "I was so desperate for us to work that I didn't want to upset the balance by getting angry at you. I shouldn't have stayed quiet like I did. That's my fault. But you should have recognised that being married is very different from being single!"

"I'm not stupid, Robin! I understand that. But you want me to be someone I'm not."

"I want you to be the person I know you're capable of being. The guy who created that elaborate proposal and treats me like I'm the only one for him. And sometimes you are that guy. But other times you are someone I really don't like. It's like there are two versions of you," she says, slipping onto a stool. She wants to yell but it's as if all the fight has suddenly been zapped out of her. "There's the one that loves me. And then there's the one who loves me but only with conditions."

"Conditions?" The fight is still in him. She can see it in the tenseness of his shoulder and his tight grip on his glass. But she can also see that the alcohol and late hour are getting to him. "What conditions?"

"'I love you but…' I love you but only if you let me be a misogynistic asshole who treats women like sex objects. I love you but only if you accept my constant partying and drinking. I love you but only if you never question me or try to change me. You put condition after condition onto your love for me and I won't put up with it anymore. If that's what it means to love you then I don't want to love you anymore."

Silence hangs in the apartment as her words sink in. It's not what she wanted to say and she's about to retract it when it dawns on her that she means it. That is the cold hard truth. She can't do this anymore. If the only Barney she can have is the mess of a man who makes her feel like this then she can't do it any longer. She can't stay quiet and accept all the screwed up shit he does. She just can't.

She expects him to apologise or talk to her but instead he snorts and it's cruel and cold. She doesn't recognise the man standing in front of her and she knows the alcohol still has a firm grip on her husband. His lip curls and there isn't an ounce of warmth in his eyes.

"I wondered how long it would take for you to realise you don't like the person I am. I was never going to live up to the great Robin Scherbatsky's expectations and it was only a matter of time before you realised that. Flaws are unacceptable to you and you've finally seen that I'm full of them. And now you're trying to back out but we're married so that makes it a little bit difficult. Maybe you should have run away with Ted on our wedding day like you wanted to."

"I didn't want to do that. You're drunk, Barney, and you're talking shit."

"Don't lie to me, Robin! You had doubts and for a moment you thought about running off with my best friend because in your eyes he wasn't fucked up like me. But the truth is that Ted is just as flawed as I am because what kind of guy tries to steal his best friend's fiancée right before the wedding? If you'd left with Ted, you'd be exactly where you are now but you would be yelling at him for a whole other set of problems. No one is good enough for you and I'm sick of trying to be! Sometimes being married to you is so fucking hard. "

"I don't want to be with Ted! And you are good enough for me. Never think that you're not. We're both fucked up and we're pretty much the only people who understand each other. That doesn't make it okay for you to make me feel like shit and like being married to me is some huge burden though."

His eyes are heavy and she wonders if he even understands what she's saying. And suddenly she's just done. She doesn't want to yell or fight anymore. She can't.

Shoving back the stool, she moves towards the bedroom. "You can sleep on the couch tonight. And if it's so hard to be married to me then you don't have to worry because maybe you won't be for much longer."

The bedroom door slams shut behind her.

* * *

The early morning sun streams through the bedroom as she hovers by the door. The easy thing to do would be to go back to bed and to put the fight behind them. She could do it. But she doesn't want to. She swore yesterday she was done taking the easy route and she won't back down less than twenty-four hours after making that vow. She's already called the station and her mum. The only thing left to do is to cross the living room and walk out of the door.

She quietly opens the door and peers out into the dark living room. Barney is sprawled out across the sofa, snoring quietly, and she notes that he was too drunk to even get a blanket out from the closet. She feels the weakness tugging at her gut again, telling her to go back to bed because he needs her and they can fix this.

She ignores the voice. She wants to fix them, to make them them again, but she needs time and space and she needs to think about what she really wants. None of those things come from being in this apartment.

Carrying her suitcase in one hand and her shoes in the other, she pads across the room as quietly as she possibly can. She knows this is the coward's way out but she can't talk to him right now. And she figures that being strong enough to leave before she breaks completely earns her the right to one tiny bit of cowardice. She doesn't have the strength to fight anymore today and she knows there will be a fight if he wakes up and sees her leaving. Whereas if he wakes up to find nothing but the note she left on the bed then…well he'll be angry but she won't be around to hear it.

She has one foot out of the apartment when she risks a look back. His face isn't visible to her but she can appreciate his gangly limbs and his untamed blonde hair that's sticking up in a variety of directions. She loves the mornings where she wakes up to find his arms and legs sprawled over her, his weight familiar and comforting. And on another day, she'd curl up on the couch with him. But the guy who she does things like that with isn't the man who she fought with last night and she can't remember the last time she saw him.

But she's still surprised at just how easy it is for her to close their apartment door behind her and walk away.


	6. Ups and Downs: Part II

_"A great spouse loves you exactly as you are. An extraordinary spouse helps you grow; inspires you to be, do and give your very best."_ –Fawn Weaver

* * *

**A/N: **Two updates in a little over twenty-four hours. This is unprecedented for me! But I wanted to get part two up because you only got half the story. Thank you so much for all your reviews last chapter. I wasn't sure people out there were still interested in this. It was divisive, as I expected, but, like I said, this is the way I saw our favourite couple this season. To the people who agreed with my interpretation, it's good to know I'm not alone in my disappointment and I hope S9 is an improvement for us. If you don't agree then you can look forward to some happy, angst-free fluff next drabble. And there's a couple of people who reviewed who raised some good points and I'd like to reply to but they're reviewing as guests. If you review on an account then I'm more than happy to discuss B/R with you.

I always feel nervous when I'm writing Barney and Robin when they're talking about their issues because the show is so reluctant to have them do that – which is a big cause of their problems in my opinion – but they need to have these conversations. Also, fair warning, it's left open-ended. Issues like theirs don't heal overnight and this drabble shows the moment they make a decision about their marriage and how they want to proceed. Maybe, if inspiration strikes, I'll write something set a little ways down the road as they rebuild in the aftermath.

* * *

"_No running. Ever. Nobody walks out. No matter what happens…This is forever."_ –Derek Shepherd, Grey's Anatomy.

* * *

**Ups and Downs: Part II**

**March 2017**

She leaves their apartment for JFK and lands at Toronto Pearson International Airport a few hours later.

It takes three days for Barney to show up at her mother's front door.

She is a little surprised it takes him as long as it does because she hears her mum on the phone to him on her first morning there. It takes less than two hours to fly to Toronto from JFK and the house is a half hour outside the city. She stays in all Wednesday because she doesn't want to go out anyway but she knows it'll make things worse if Barney shows up and she's not there. But Wednesday comes and goes and he doesn't knock on her door until Friday afternoon.

That's when she realises she may have made a mistake.

He's leaning against the stone wall of the front porch with two cups of coffee in his hands when she opens the door. He looks haggard in a way he hasn't in a very long time. There are dark circles under his eyes and it's been a good few days since he last saw a razor. But he's still Barney so his suit is wrinkle-free even after the flight and she can smell the familiar scent of his cologne.

"Hey," is all he says, holding out one of the coffee cups to her. "Can I come in?"

"Of course."

She steps aside to let him in, taking the coffee cup from him as he walks past her, and she hates how awkward it feels. Normally they don't struggle for things to say to each other but in this moment she's coming up blank.

She sips at her coffee, a soy cinnamon latte with two sugars, and it makes her smile because this is her drink and it's one tiny gesture but it gives her hope that he isn't as angry as he could be.

"Do you want to sit down?" She gestures to the lounge and he nods at her before following her lead. They end up perched on opposing cream sofas and Robin tugs at a loose thread on one of the cushions in lieu of anything to say. The silence is suffocating and it shouldn't be this hard to talk to the man she's been married to for almost four years. "Did you have a good flight?"

"You left," he says, as if she hasn't spoken, and his voice is laced with accusation.

"Barney, I needed to think. I wanted…"

"No. You had your chance to speak. Now it's my turn."

She places the coffee cup down on the table and sits back. She feels a little nauseous as she looks at him because it's dawning on her that running was a mistake. He looks so sad and she can see the hurt in his eyes as he stares at her. That's her fault. She caused that. She ran away rather than talking to him. In the moment that felt like her being strong, putting her own happiness first, but she's starting to think it was actually the coward's way out not the hero's. And she's a little scared to see how much damage her fleeing has done.

"I woke up with a killer hangover and all I wanted to do was talk to you. But instead I found our bed empty and a note telling me you needed to take some time and would be back when you were ready. You didn't tell me where you'd gone and you didn't answer your phone. None of our friends knew where you were and all work would tell me was that you'd taken some of your leave because there was an emergency. How the hell could you think that was okay? I waited for you to come home but you didn't even bother to pick up the phone and call me, let alone jump on a flight back. When exactly were you going to talk to me if I didn't show up here today?"

"I needed to..."

He either doesn't hear her or chooses not to because he carries on as if she didn't interrupt him. "You yell at me, you accuse me of being a terrible husband and then you just up and leave, expecting me to come running after you and beg for forgiveness. That's not how this works. You don't get to bail because it gets hard. And you don't get to insult me and then leave without allowing me to defend myself."

"Maybe if you hadn't been so drunk then you could have defended yourself," she says because she's not going to let him shift all the blame onto her. He is just as much in the wrong as her.

"Well what do you expect when you ambush me when I come home after going out for drinks?"

"It's been getting a little hard to find times to talk you when you're not working or drinking or recovering from working and drinking."

For a moment he looks like he's about to fight her but then he stops. A heavy sigh passes through him as he sinks back into the soft cushions of the sofa and then his body sags while his shoulders slump and it's almost as if the fight is being drained from him as she looks on.

"I've been going out a lot lately, haven't I?"

"You have. And I'm not trying to be some nagging wife who wants you to be home every single night straight after work. But when you come home drunk three or four nights a week and I have no idea where you've been or what you've been up to, I start to worry."

"Worry about what?"

She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. Her ribcage rises and falls and she can feel her heart thumping in her chest as digs deep for the courage she needs for this conversation.

"That one day you're going to wake up and realise that being married to me isn't what you want; that you miss the single life and want to go back to it."

He looks at her incredulously and shakes his head. "How can you ever think that? I love you. I don't ever want to be with anybody else."

"It's hard to believe that when you're out partying all the time and you're making suggestive comment after suggestive comment about women in the bar."

"That's who I am! You know that. I like going out and having a drink. And what I'm never supposed to look at another woman again?"

"Don't do that, Barney. Don't put words in my mouth. Of course you can check out other women. I'm not claiming to be a saint who never notices a handsome guy in the street or never flirts with some of the guys at work. But you have to see that there's a difference between that and the way you are with women sometimes."

He opens his mouth to retort but stops with his mouth half open. He pauses, quiet, and then swallows, and she watches his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he debates what to say.

"Give me an example."

Her mind roams back over the past few weeks trying to find an example of a time when he made her wonder whether he wouldn't rather be single again. "A couple of weeks ago in the bar when Ted was out of town visiting Sarah's parents. It was just the two of us but rather than talking to me or suggesting we do something, you sat and ranked the women in the bar on the basis of their fuckability. Your words not mine."

"You laughed with me at that and you even offered up comments. That's not exactly you being uncomfortable and telling me to stop."

"I know. And that's why I'm partly to blame for this mess. I didn't say anything so you didn't have a reason to think I wasn't okay with it. But I'm saying something now. I'm not okay with you talking about women the way you do."

"What happened to you saying you love me exactly the way I am and don't want to me to change? Was that all bullshit?"

"No, I meant it. I still mean it. But…"

She trails off. She's never been big on talking about her feelings and insecurities. Avoidance of such things was drummed into her by her father and it's still difficult to ignore his teachings about all that sort of stuff. But her eyes land on a photo on the mantle of her, her mother and Katie. Niagara Falls is in the background and she can still remember how much Katie had whined at the cold and the spray and the hideous blue colour of their ponchos. She also remembers exactly who was in the photo and so she knows that if she opens the frame then she'll find one side folded down to cut her father out of it. That's what his avoidance got him.

"I'm unhappy. I think I have been for a while. And if things you are doing are making me unhappy then am I supposed to just accept them because I love you?"

"I never want to make you unhappy," he says and he's up before she can blink. He skirts around the coffee table and sits down next to her, taking her hands in his. "That is the last thing I want to do. But, if we're being honest," he says after a pause, "I'm not always completely happy in our marriage either."

Their confessions hang in the air until the silence in the living room is practically suffocating them. Because what are you supposed to say when the person you've vowed to spend the rest of your life with is unhappy and you're the reason why? And how have they ended up in a place where they feel like that?

* * *

The park is almost empty aside from a few stray families playing on the swings on the other side of the pond. The two of them sit on a bench and stare out at the empty expanse of water. It's still too cold for the birds to have come back from whatever sunny climes they migrated to last fall and Robin wishes she had thought to borrow a pair of gloves from her mum's room before they left.

"I had this whole speech planned out," Barney says, tugging her from her thoughts. "I went over it and over it in my head when I was on the plane. I was going to shout and yell and tell you just how angry I was at you. But what's the point? Yelling isn't going to get us anywhere."

"But you're angry?"

"Yes I'm angry. Don't doubt that I am angry. I am so mad at you. For running and for everything you said. You have this magical ability to always blame our problems on me. You act like you're this perfect person who's never done anything wrong when that couldn't be further from the truth."

"What exactly have I done that's so terrible?"

"Come on, Robin, it's like I told you, no one is good enough for you. You set these standards that no one can possibly meet and you sit back and wait for me to fail so you can throw your hands up and say that you were right."

"You can't think that's true."

"It is the truth. It's exactly why you dragged Ted along for as long as you did."

"Excuse me?"

"You and Ted broke up eleven years ago. But until we got married four years ago, you kept playing with him. You let him go and he'd think he could actually move on and then you'd do something to make him come running back, thinking he had a chance with you after all."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Ted was your safety net. He always has been and I have no doubt that if Sarah wasn't in the picture then he still would be. You kept hold of him so when I inevitably failed to reach one of the many impossibly high standards you set for me, Ted would be there saying perfect things and offering you an out. He's perfect in your eyes because you excuse his flaws. But me, my flaws don't get excused."

"Ted was never my safety net."

"You're lying and you know you're lying."

She can't bring herself to meet his gaze so she doesn't. Instead, she watches a young girl in blue jacket on the swing in the distance. Her father is pushing her higher and higher with each swing and she can tell that the girl is squealing in excitement, her legs and arms flailing as she flies through the air.

Barney stays silent but she can feel him watching her as she determinedly doesn't watch him. His words swirl in her mind as she contemplates what he's said. The picture he's painted of her isn't a pretty one but she gets the sinking feeling it may be more accurate than she would like.

"I can't have kids," she says after the silence has dragged on for longer than Barney could possibly like.

"What?"

She continues to stare at the girl across the water as she says, "I can't have kids."

"I know that. What does that have to do with anything?"

"I can't have kids and I don't want kids. I've never had that overwhelming need to be a parent and I don't really understand it. I cheated on Kevin with you and then I chose him over you because it was easier even though I knew that would hurt you. I stole the Italy job from Nora because I felt I wanted it more than she did. Ted and I almost kissed after I broke up with Don because I was sad and he made me feel good about myself. And days before we got married, I cried on his shoulder and let him comfort me and for one moment I thought that perhaps I should be with him instead because being with you was hard and I didn't want hard."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say you're right. I'm trying to say I'm selfish. I'm trying to say I'm not perfect. I'm aware of the crappy things about me. And I'm sorry if I've made you feel like I don't think you're good enough for me. I never meant to make Ted a safety net in case you failed or whatever," she says, finally looking him in the eye. "Not that I'm sitting around waiting for you to fail. At least not intentionally. I meant it when I said I love who you are."

"Just not the most extreme parts?"

"Is that bad? I love you. But sometimes you hurt me and I don't want to sit back and accept that anymore. My mum did that for so long with my dad and it almost destroyed her."

"I think we've both been weak," he sighs, scuffing his expensive leather shoes in the dirt. "And I think we've both hurt each other. I constantly feel like I'm trying to please you and be this person you so desperately want to be married to. And I feel like sometimes I manage it but other times I don't and then I'm just waiting for you to bail because I've failed you and your crazy expectations that I'm never going to meet."

"I would never do that."

"No? So what was this trip then?"

A blush flushes across her cheeks as embarrassment floods her. She made a vow to be with him through better or worse and then up and ran because 'worse' was harder than she expected.

"I'm sorry. I panicked and I just wanted to get away for a little bit to clear my head. I should have told you though."

"Yeah, you should have. But you didn't. Instead, you left me while I was sleeping. That's not how marriage works."

His hand is pressed against the bench, a mere few inches from her leg, and she reaches out for it but he pulls it away before she can even touch it.

"Barney."

"No. I've heard what you've had to say and I get it. You don't like when I still act like I'm a single guy when I'm not. It makes you feel like I don't want to be married. And I hate that I've made you feel that way. I never want you to doubt how much I love you." His voice is heavy and she gets the sinking feeling she isn't going to like what comes next. "But, I also know that you make me feel like I'm not good enough. You don't mean to do it but you do. And I can't spend another day feeling like I'm not good enough for you. I don't deserve that."

"We can fix this. I want to fix it. I panicked and I ran. That doesn't mean I don't want to fix us."

She waits for him to tell her the same, that they can fix it and be better together than they have been up until now. Because when they're good, they're amazing, and she wants that even if it comes with some lows. And they're talking now which has to be a good sign. It has to be a sign that things are getting better between them.

"You said in your note that you needed some time to think and you'd be back when you were ready. And I think I need that too."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying," he says, standing up and brushing some imaginary dirt from his trousers, "that I need to think. We've both said a lot of stuff and I need to get it all clear in my head. I love you but I need some time. Give me time."

And then he's walking away and she calls after him but he doesn't turn back and all she can do is watch him turn onto the street and disappear into the crowd.

* * *

She cries.

Her mother is still out in the city visiting her sister when she gets home so she disappears upstairs without interruption, kicks off shoes, and buries herself underneath the same comforter she cried into when Simon dumped her for the first time all those years ago.

This isn't what she wanted. When she decided to confront Barney it was to make him wake up and realise that he was hurting her. She wanted him to value their marriage and her. That was all.

It had never entered her head that he might look at their marriage and have doubts.

She meant it when she told him she knew the crappy stuff about herself. But she thinks she might have been more wilfully ignorant of her own flaws than she would like. She's been placing all the blame for the distance in their marriage on him but there are two people in her marriage and she should take more responsibility than she has.

She's willing to do that from now on, to change and be better, because she wants to fight for her marriage.

What scares her is the idea that Barney might not come to the same conclusion.

* * *

She doesn't know how long she's been lying in bed when her phone rings. She traded her clothes for pyjamas a few hours ago and at some point the sun set. Her head aches from crying and she thinks she's been drifting in and out of sleep. Her rumbling stomach reminds her that she hasn't eaten and she's surprised her mum hasn't called for her to come down for dinner like she's sixteen again.

Her hand grasps wildly across the top of the bedside table until she feels the familiar smooth surface of her phone cover. Her sister's name is displayed on the screen and Robin sighs before answering.

"Hey, Katie, what's up?" There is silence and then a small sob comes down the line. "Katie, what's wrong?"

* * *

The hospital floor has all those coloured lines running along the floor that are supposed to guide you to the right wing but it's stupid because the nurse told her to follow the red line but it's really more orange and the neuro ward doesn't seem to be anywhere since the red line shows no sign of ending.

She self-consciously tugs at her coat and wishes she had taken the time to change out of the faded striped pyjamas that keep catching under the heels of her shoes. But then she feels guilty because her mother's in the hospital and she really should be thinking about something other than the clothes she's wearing.

Finally she turns the corner to find a huge pair of double doors labelled neurological centre and she can see Katie sat on one of those hard plastic chairs in the waiting room on the other side of them.

"What happened? Where's mum?" she asks as she flies through the doors.

The relief on Katie's face is obvious when she looks up to see her standing there and she's quick to hug her. There are tear tracks down her cheeks and her eyes are red.

"The doctor came out but I didn't really understand what he was talking about. He said they were prepping her for surgery and there was something about an aneurysm but I don't know. One moment she was fine and then she got this blinding headache and she could barely stand and then suddenly she was on the floor seizing. I didn't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with her, Robin."

She can feel the panic rising in her chest at the idea her mum could be somewhere in this hospital right now dying but she forces it down because her sister is scared and she needs to be the big sister right now. So she holds her tightly instead, rubbing circles on her back just like their mother does for them, and tells her everything will be okay.

Eventually the pair makes their way back to the chairs and Robin tries to track down someone who can tell them something. The first two doctors brush her off with excuses that it isn't their case or they're too busy but then she yells at the third one and she's not sure she's seen anyone run to get her the information she needs that quickly before.

"She's in the OR now. Someone should have come to talk to you when they were taking her in but with things like this you have to act quickly," the doctor tells them, scanning the chart as she talks.

"Things like what? No one is telling us anything."

"To put it in simple terms, the CT shows that your mother has an aneurysm in her brain. That would explain the headaches and seizures. It ruptured and that's why they had to rush her straight into surgery."

"Is she going to be okay?" Katie asks.

"Dr Maloney is one of the best the neurosurgeons in the country. Your mother is in excellent hands. I'm sure he'll send someone out to update you as soon as possible."

And with that, the two of them are left sitting in the waiting room, hoping and praying that their mum is going to be okay.

* * *

At the beginning she thinks time is just dragging but then she sneaks a look at her phone and reads that an aneurysm clipping can take up to five hours. Katie falls asleep a little over an hour in after a doctor comes out to tell them that the surgery is off to a good start and they caught it quickly. Robin drapes her coat over her, strokes her baby sister's hair and wonders how she missed that she grew up. There's no one else in the waiting room and her phone has been consigned to her bag since a nurse gave her a warning look the last time she had it out. So she sits next to her, flicking through the out of date glossy magazines and feeling terrified that at any moment a doctor is going to appear and tell her that they did the best they could but they couldn't save her mum.

There's the swish of the ward doors opening and Robin sees the last person she expected walking through them: Barney.

Gone is the neatly pressed suit from this morning. He's wearing his camel overcoat again but, like her, he's clad in his pyjamas and she recognises them as the pair she bought him in the Macy's sale last winter. His hair is in disarray, lacking any of the product he normally styles it with, and it makes her smile to see that he's only got a sock on one foot.

She stands up and wants to ask him what he's doing here, how he knew where she was and what had happened, but she doesn't get the chance because he swoops her into a hug before she can even open her mouth. His scent overwhelms her as he grips her tightly.

And then the dam breaks.

The tears come and she doesn't bother to try and stop them.

It doesn't matter that they're fighting. She cries in the middle of the waiting room and her husband holds her.

* * *

The two of them migrate to the steps of the hospital after one of the doctors comes out and tells them there's still a long way to go but everything is going well. Her sister is still sleeping and Barney gently points out that there's nothing she can do to help her mum right now. So they sit on the cold concrete steps with his coat draped over her shoulders and her head on his shoulder. It turns out Katie called him while Robin was in the bathroom and she's never been quite so thankful for her interfering little sister before.

"I don't want my mum to die. I haven't been a good daughter but I don't want to lose her."

"You won't." He knows nothing more about the situation than she does but the certainty in his voice is comforting. "She is going to make it through this. The doctor said they got her into the OR soon enough that they could treat it and stop the bleed quickly. She's going to be okay."

"You can't know that."

"I know that it's important to think you're going to get the best outcome in a situation like this. That's what you told me when it was my mum, didn't you? And she pulled through. So I'm going to tell you the same thing."

He lights another cigarette and offers the pack but she shakes her head.

"Thank you for coming tonight."

"You're my wife. I wouldn't be anywhere else."

The sincerity in his voice makes her hate the stupid fight that's pushed them apart.

"We're going to make it through this, aren't we?" she asks him quietly.

"We are."

It comforts her that there isn't an element of doubt in his voice.

"Earlier you said you needed time to think. I thought you might…realise this wasn't what you wanted."

"Robin, I'm never going to want anything except for you," he says, twisting around so his back is against the wall and he can look her in the eye. "I'm so in love with you that there have been times I've hated how dependent I am on you. I can't live without you. When I said I needed time, I meant I needed to think about what you said, about the way I've treated you."

"And…"

"And you're right. I could be a better husband. I always assumed the hardest part would be getting married but it turns out marriage is pretty hard too."

She laughs, bumping her shoulder against his, and presses a kiss to his cheek with a smile. "I had heard rumours."

"I want to be better. You make me want to be better."

The sentiment is touching but his earlier words about her impossibly high stands swirl in her mind and the familiar feeling of nausea washes over her. The last thing she wants is for Barney to wake up in five years' time and be hit with the horrifying realisation that he's sacrificed too much of himself to make her happy.

"I don't want you to be better," she protests but he shakes her head.

"You do. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. Hell I want you to be better."

It's like a punch to the gut, hearing him say it so certainly without qualification or condition. Then she feels ashamed because he told her she thought she was perfect and she had brushed off the accusation but there's the sinking realisation that it's the truth. She has blamed their problems on him but the reality of their marriage is that they both went in with expectations about how the other person would be and what they wanted from each other.

"Then let's be better." It sounds so simple. "I love you. I want to be with you. You, not some perfect version of you. I married you and I want you." He's not looking at her now so she grabs his hand in hers and tugs at it, forcing him to look at her. "I promise to stop expecting you to be something you're not."

"Okay," he nods because all she can do is promise and all he can do is have faith that she means it. "And I promise to stop acting like I'm still single. I can't say I won't go out drinking sometimes and even you know it's pointless for me to vow to never look at another woman again."

"My expectations are not that unrealistic," she laughs, resting her head against his shoulder once again.

"What I can promise is to be a better husband. I can spend more time with you and I can make you see how much I value our marriage. Our marriage is everything to me. There's nothing I want more to be married to you until the day I die. I'm not going to screw that up by hurting you and pushing you away. And I need you to tell me if I'm hurting you again." His voice catches and it's only then that she realises he's crying.

She takes his face in her hands, his stubble scratching at her palms, and her thumb wipes a tear across one cheekbone.

"I will tell you. And you tell me if I'm hurting you. I mean, we're so screwed up that we're never going to find anybody else who'd put up with either of us." He smiles and she presses a light kiss to his lips. "So we can't mess this up. We need each other. I don't want to lose you."

"We'll do better from now on. I want us to last. I want us to stay together. I won't cope with losing you."

"I won't do much better if I lose you."

"Okay. So we make us work. Your mother comes first but once she's better, we go back to New York together and we do better."

It seems so easy when he puts it like that. It's as if all she has to do is click her heels together and everything will be alright again. She wishes it could be that simple. But her mother is in surgery, her husband and her are rebuilding after the aftermath of a terrible fight, and she's been forced to face up to some hard truths about herself. Life just feels exhausting.

"We will make this work, Robin. I'm in this 'till death do us part remember."

He stands up and holds out a hand to help her up. His cigarette is still burning in his hand and she watches him as he inhales before blowing smoke out into the night air. A look passes over his face and he begins to examine the cigarette in his hand, twisting it back and forth. Then, with a determined sigh, he inhales once more, his eyes closing and a look of pure bliss passing over his face, before slowly exhaling, the smoke curling in the air in front of them, and dropping the cigarette under his shoe.

"That's it." Then, when he sees her confused look he clarifies, "My last cigarette ever."

"You're just going to go cold turkey?"

"I don't want there to be a day where you're sat in a hospital waiting room waiting to hear if I'm dead or not because I didn't stop smoking soon enough. I don't want forever to be cut short because of lung cancer or whatever other crap comes from smoking. Plus you guys have all quit. Maybe it's something I should have left behind with my bachelorhood."

A smile spreads across her face and she takes both his hands in her hers, swinging them back and forth as she reaches up on tiptoe to kiss his forehead.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Barney. I'm sorry I ran out on you. I shouldn't have done that. It's not as big as quitting smoking but I won't run anymore. I promise."

He kisses her rather than replying and she instinctively leans into him as they stand on the steps making out like they're teenagers.

They only pull apart when an ambulance blazes past with its sirens blaring and it startles Robin back into the reality of where they are and what is happening. Barney seems to instantly sense her returning upset because he wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulling her against him, and begins to lead her up the deserted steps and towards the hospital entrance.

"It's all going to be okay, Scherbatsky. Your mum is going to make it through this and we're going to be a better couple now. We're all going to be okay."

In that moment, as her husband leads her back to wait for news about her mother, his arm around her shoulders and her hand resting on the small of his back, she believes him. Neither of them is perfect and sometimes their marriage feels like more of a struggle than it should. But she loves Barney and Barney loves her. Those two facts are more than enough to make them fight to survive this. And she knows they will. Because Barney Stinson is the one for her and that's what matters.


End file.
